In the last years I’ve realized that something we take for granted, and that’s the love of friends and family, is more fragile than we imagine. Sometimes I wonder what does it take to cross the line from being just someone you hang out with or someone you truly care about. I’ve always thought that this doesn’t need any effort…it either happens or not. But truth is that friendship as any other kind of affection, needs both an input and output. And that relationships among human beings are quite difficult. More than people realize.
I’ve been pretty down during the last few days. The fact that now i’m facing the most difficult part of the writing shit, the fact that the days are passing by and the only I do is to sit here, where I see the life out there going on. Every hour that goes by, is an hour wasted. And I’ve wasted so many hours already that I’m furious with myself. That’s why I force myself to the extreme to get everything ready so I can move on, and LIVE. Though, I’m also a human being and I need human contact. Though, I’m not in the best of moods. Not in a bad mood, I’d say, just i’m more prone to jump in an non such appropiate way to the most tiny thing. Knowing this and the problems it may cause, I decided some days ago to minimize the effects of my “reclusion” to the outside world. There’s a guy I feel attracted to as if he was light for a plant. And all that. I just have the good feeling toward him that I’ve had every time I’ve met ppl that has made a difference in my life. I can have lots of friends, cause we’ve been hanging out together and getting closer, but the REAL friends, those were friends almost from the beginning. I’ve always had a curious way to know my best friends. Though, I can’t avoid to feel afraid. It’s just curious that no matter how many years go by, I still feel in some aspects like a 6-year-old. Like that girl that would go out to the balcony of the new apartment in the new town, and would open her book with the catalan songs for sings and would just start singig for the whole new town to hear (lol). And that would make me have my first friends there. I’m open hearted, if that exists, and innocent at heart, but experiences has turned me into some cynical bitch, and I’m not able to distinguish anymore between the good intentions and the bad. I don’t want to be used and then thrown away. And I’m not talking about sex here. There’s a lot of ways to use people. Specially when the biggest disease of human beings is around the corner. And that is loneliness.
In any case, sometimes, just for respect to something beautiful, you decide to do something you know is the only right thing to do, but by doing it, you know it’s totally wrong. And I feel like shit for it. Fear is not a good reason to hurt other’s feelings. And now I’d like to mend it, but I know there’s nothing I can say that it can make it any better. It all sums up to delete someone from your life to avoid he does that eventually. And that has never a good excuse 
